We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
