please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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