Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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