I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
