at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
