Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
