Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize