I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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