He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
BRING THE BAGELS
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
