Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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