Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
