3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
