What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
