well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
