Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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