I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
