Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You are the jesus of drinking
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
