I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
