tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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