Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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