I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
