I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i drank out of a bidet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
