Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
