It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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