youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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