$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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