Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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