dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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