I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
