I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
