he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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