I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
