I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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