he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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