I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
