did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
