i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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