its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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