Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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