My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
