Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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