Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
