my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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