Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
