i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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