but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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