I hate your face
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Randomize
