Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
