My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
