I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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