her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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