I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
