I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
