I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
