We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
