Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
