What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I touched a dick in church today
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
