Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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