Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
