the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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