I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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