Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
