dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
