She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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