Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
